Nativity

Every year growing up.

Before we could open presents from each other on Christmas Eve.

We reenacted the nativity.

My mom asked us to do it again this year.

I personally think we were a lot cuter when we were little.

But Look at those angels,  they are stinkin adorable!

And Joseph and Mary were marvelous parents.

And as per tradition, Nik was Caeser Augustus and the Donkey!

It was great fun!  So glad we did it

Mashed Potatoes I think

courtesy of KFC

I wish I could sit down and type something witty, sarcastic and so funny your gut would hurt.  I have blogged numerous times during my sleepless, hacking, coughing nights, mulling through all the thoughts in my head, finding that one who would be worthwhile to actually sit down and type as fast as my fingers would allow.  They are all just mashed up like potatoes, gooey and messy.  Sticking to all the corners in my mind.  So I decided to just spread the potatoes all over the plate and sculpt them into a volcano until gravy erupts all over.

You would hope as you grow older that you would learn that others opinions do not matter in the scheme of things.  And that you would stew and simmer the little things someone has said over and over until you go a bit dizzy.  A thoughtless word or joke turns into bubbling cider that its so hot it burns.  The way you want to be.... is not how you are seen... and you have to be okay with that.  The endless talking and talking.  More thinking ....All any of us can do is our best right.  As they say 'until you walk in their shoes or my shoes".  So I have to tear down walls brick by brick.  Keep trying and moving forward,  doing and being my best, moment to moment.

Now I am choking on my next thought,  I can't swallow,  Oh, oh, oh,oh, oh
I was called to the principals office.  And not for my son, but for me.
 And if you want to get technical it was the Vice principal i actually spoke with.
Did she really just say he has been Tardy NINE times and it is only October?
Yep I am an awesome Parent.  I swear it has not been that much.

Oh, and now a private meeting with the teacher.
heart hurting again, pressure behind my eyes.......
It has happened, it is beginning.
Oh, how being a mother can hurt.
Grateful it was swiftly, artfully handled.
Noah did not even hear a thing.
Small blessings.
So nice an apology email from one of their dads.
Kids can be so mean.
Wow, my boy has so much self confidence.
Another blessing.

I seem not to be able to stay on top of everthing this school year.
I did remember picture day at Sofia's preschool.
She really is stunning.
Wow,  my girl is beautiful.  I am not bias in any way.
She is a tough one, my Fia.
Her new things is that she can't walk and I have to hold her.
Luckily sometimes her legs can still hop like a bunny,
waddle like a penquin or crawl like a puppy.
It seems to get us to where we need to go.

Picture by Ashleigh Butler

Oh, she has a kissable face.

And just for so you all know who I hung out with this weekend

My Brother in law Jason

Creepy isn't he.....

Today is my BIrthday

It was a great day.  I got to go to the Brandon Flowers concert on Wednesday.   I saw Harry Potter on Thursday and we went to my family cabin for the weekend.  It was a great 34th birthday.  Noah teased me that I was really old.  I told him that I am the perfect age to be a mom. 

I Already Know

This boy loves me more than any other Mom.

Do you know how I know?

He told me so last night after he snuck out of bed for a drink.

I reminded him of what we had going to do today.

And as is his usual response was

"I already Know"

I said "I was just reminding you"

Noah said  "Mom, you know something?'

"What?"

"I love you"

"I know, buddy,  I love you too"

"Well, Mom I was just reminding you.

I love you more than any other Mom"

"I love you more than any other boy and do you know why?

because you have a huge imagination and you use it everyday.

And you have a huge heart and notice how people feel around you

and try to make them feel good and happy.

And not every boy know how to do that."

"Really"

and he puts his hand up to his heart

"Mom,  that made my heart pound really really hard."

Mom,  I love you cause you always help me all the time

and you have a big heart for your kids.'

Hugs and snuggles all around and he promptly went back to bed.

Makes it all worth it

Memorial Day Weekend 2010

Well,  the weekend did not turn out as I planned.  Which is not saying much since we did not have any really specific plans to speak of.  We wanted to spend time together, work on the yard and the playset for the kids, Noah's report on Bluebirds is due tomorrow and I wanted to paint the wood alcove in the bathroom.  Anything, that was on my list got scrapped on Saturday afternoon, when my stomach lost all it's contents.  I babied myself the rest of the night, watching Avatar with my family and then going to bed early.   And by dawn I knew,  my body, said no more.  You are going to be in pain as if acid were running through your veins.  One very wonderful trait of my husband is that he is amazing in a crisis.  It is his time to shine and he always pulls through in more ways than I can count.  I am grateful everyday for this attribute of my husband.  My first thought and request when my family woke up Sunday morning was to have a blessing to get me well much faster and to also stay out of the hospital.  I have great faith in blessings from my Heavenly Father.  I have seen them work miracles in my life time and again.  My husband arranged everything and stayed close, just in case.  This can go downhill fast. I laid in bed writhing and wiggling to get comfortable and finally I received a blessing which immediately calmed my spirit.  I needed to listen to my body and I knew that I was loved. My body said to sleep.  So I slept and slept for 5 hours.  I woke up and ate jello and sprite.  Read Sookie Stackhouse and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling more myself.  And as I knew would happen a miracle.  I stayed out of the hospital and I could manage from here.  My daughter snuggled with me all morning, kissing my face, rubbing my hair and saying over and over "I love you, too"  even if I had not said it and "Mommy, I missed you."   We played dancing Cinderella guys in bed and hung out with me all morning while my husband mowed the lawn.  I took a shower and collasped in exhaustion after lunch and slept the afternoon away.  I awoke to hammers and drills working on the playset just like we planned and happy children.

I went outdoors for dinner as I was feeling quite ornry.  (A sure sign of continuing to get better).  I really needed a change of scenery.  We had a wonderful BBQ at my in-laws.  I mostly ate watermelon and laughed as we watched the kids play soccer with Uncle Isaac.  And Fia yelling over and over  "Look, I pay soccer"  and Noah was yelling "Pause" at the top of his lungs cause he was the 'wEf"  or the Ref and we had to explain that he is suppose to yell "Time out" if he wants a pause in the game.  It was hilarious.

It really is an interesting fact.  Last Memorial Day I had pneumonia  and did not leave my bed for a week..  It's a good thing that we were living with my sister at the time or my kids would have been very neglected.  Kersten and I have been teasing that this is our new Memorial Day tradition.  I hope not.  I want to do much more fun things on our long weekends.    I did not mean to make this blog a venting forum but it sure feels good to get this out.  Now I must go to sleep if I will keep getting better.  Since Noah and I still have a report to finish before school tomorrow. Yes, that is me,  I am already teaching my son to procrastinate to the last minute.

NOT my Body

Drawing by Travik Frantisek Simon (1877-1942)

I was watching Nie Nie's New Life video  for the first time today.  It amazes me what she has accomplished through her faith and trials.  We all go through different trials and challenges through life and we never know who we will bless or help through our own experiences.  The thing that hit me today in this video and other days,other things have hit me,  is when she said

 "I am NOT my body."

 And my mind started racing and speeding through all sorts of different crazy.  How often I have and do feel like all I am is my body.  What limitations it has set on me, my emotions, my abilities and my desires.  And what I go through is not even a quarter of what I know Nie Nie does and others have to also.  I loathe what my body does and what it makes me think about and what I have to be conscience about.  I loathe how I feel judged and misunderstood by my choices and different challenges.  I am reminded every single day how blessed I am for my body to be in the condition that it is in.  I rejoice each day that I get up and play, hug, wrestle, clean and succeed.  My children in an of themselves are miracles.  I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the opportunity to be their mother.  I know I may not be doing all that I should or want to.  I am doing all that I can.  And no one can ask more than that.

Handling it like a man

I was accused today of handling this problem like a man.

With a smile and a chuckle immediately following that statement.

You see I want to fix it.  

I want concrete things to do so that I know I am doing my part.  

And with this it seems like there are solid things I can do to make it better. 

I you see,  well it is obvious.

that I am a woman.  

I want to handle things like a woman.

With emotions and listening and understanding. 

and then follow through with change and evolve into something better.

Although I do wish that these small and crazy problems 

in a relationship would just go away.

That I could fix it.

And go on my merry way with everyone feeling better.  

Does it really matter where and what we hang on the walls?

It should feel like our house right?

Silly silly and I know we all know it.

The real problem is that,

 I want it to be hung my way. 

EnLIGHTen

I love the word Light.  It brings to mind so many different and beautiful things.

The morning light peeking through your curtains kissing your cheeks to wake them up.

Warm light on your cheeks on a bitter cold afternoon.

The glowing light of your lamp as you read a good book.

The twinkling lights from your Christmas tree warming your heart.

Opening up your curtains shedding the room with light.

Dining by candlelight with the one you choose to love.

The glow of the moon showing you the way.

I seek for, long for, grab for and want light.  I looked up the definition of enlighten in Webster and it stated: to furnish knowledge or to give spiritual insight to.  I think with the winter months, the crappy inversion and the loss of some of the sunlight and difficulties being outside my spirit becomes troubled.  Not that my spirit was not troubled before but it starts boiling with it.  I honestly feel a release of tension when I open my blinds, it is that literal.  I know that my husband has gotten a bit agitated with my light search.  He has always liked it a bit dark and loves to live in a cave.  We battle over open or closed blinds and curtains in the daytime.  It makes me laugh really. So now I am seeking the light not just literal light like my example but all thing light.  I want all things around me to be positive, bright, beautiful and enlightening.  This year if nothing else I am going to seek the light.  Most of all the light of the world, the light of our Savior and his love for me.  If something is hindering him from becoming closer to him, I will change it or drive it away.  We all deserve to be happy and have all the light we can.  And this is my quest.  That is what our Father in Heaven wants for us and we just have to choose it and grab it.

New Years Meme 2009

I saw this on a lot of blogs last year and never got around to posting it for 2008 so I decided to post it for 2009.  It was fun to look back at the past year in a different way

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?  Bought a house


2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I am terrible about keeping resolutions but I am always trying to improve

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, a few of my friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die? The bus driver that drove me to Millhollow when I worked there.  And my cousins dad

5. What countries did you visit? My own.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?  I want to be braver, healthier and have inner peace

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Buying a new house and not my achievement but Noah has come so so far with his speech

8. What was your biggest failure? Not going on at least a monthly date with my husband,  it really puts us in a bad place.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury? The usual, but only one emergency room visit for me.

10. What was the best thing you bought? our cute little house. our new tv and our most comfortable couch

11. Where did most of your money go? Our house and various things for our house

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Being able to paint the walls in OUR house.  picking out a couch that is not a hand me down,  our super soft carpet and our amazing new neighborhood and fabulous ward.

13. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a. Happier and much more grounded with things in place to make it even better b. thinner- stress does that to you c. Richer - we own something that will help bring us to a better place later.

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?  Teaching my children,  taking my kids fun places, and painting furniture.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of? Computer stuff

16. What was the best book you read? .The Year My Son and I Were Born By Kathryn Lynard Soper,  The Graveyard Book By Neil Gaiman,  Fablehaven by Brandon Mull, Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry,   Sunday's at Tiffany's by James Patterson,  The Hunger Games By Suzanne Collins

17. What did you want and get? a new house and a newish car for Kersten

18. What did you want and not get? a new bed not just mattress but a headboard and footboard

19. What kept you sane? Personal prayer, therapy, reading,  and especially Carrie and Kieran

20. Who did you miss?  I missed Carrie and Mara

21. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The day we got our keys to the house,  Noah, Sofia and I danced around the house and rolled around on the carpet.  It was a very good day.

22. What song will always remind you of 2009?  Hey, I Love You,  Fireflies by Owl City,  All of Michael Jackson, I will never forget painting my bedroom and office with my bro Nik and sister Amy and friend Kieran to his music

23. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I wanted to have more a a personality not just be blah all the time.  I want this to say style and Laurie.

24. Who was the best new person (people) you met? My new neighbors diagonal across the street and directly across the street and our new bishop.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.   It is important to find a way to take control of you own emotions and moods and that no matter how many things you do to try to make something better everyone has to want it for it to happen,  And that if you try and work hard enough things start to happen with enough faith and prayer.

My Grandma's Hands

I love these beautiful hands.  These are the hands of a woman who has lived a long, fulfulling life.  She has worked hard and cared for the ones she loved. I love the feel of her hands in mine, still so soft and a bit knarled with age.  Her simple words of love and the reminder to never forget, will forever be edged in my mind. These last couple days I have been blessed to be able to care for her a bit.  She fractured her hip and fell and has been in the hospital.  This happened Sunday morning right before my cousin's farewell talk.  It was a crazy emotional day.  I really have enjoyed sitting with her, feeding, caring, hugging, kissing her and just being by her side in the hospital.  It was so nice being the one on the other side for a change.  The nice thing is that I knew what I could get her and what I could demand.  I believe my biggest triumph was being her cran-raspberry juice supplier and getting her a bowl of fruit.  That brought her so much joy.  I love spending some peaceful moments with her.  It sad that I had to have an excuse to make the time.  She told one of the therapist that she was at the bowling alley and it would be better than being in this hospital and another time she told them her name was "Billie Goat".  I thought that was hilarious.  I loved spending time with my sister Amy we were able to be there together a lot.  Sometimes your soul needs the quiet and the companionship of a sister.  My beautiful 90 year old grandma is being moved today to a rehab facility to strenghten her brand new hip.  We had some of the nurses say what a delight she was to care for.  I love this woman and want to emulate her in so many ways

Here is a picture taken a couple months ago with 4 generations

My mother Jeanne,  my Grandmother Blanche,  My daughter Sofia and Me Laurie

I've Wanted to Tell You.......

I am having a blogging crisis.  I have been wanting to blog for awhile now.  I have so many thoughts and events that have happened that I am bursting with feelings, words and pictures.  But for some reason I seriously can't.  Each time I sit down or think about it there is a total lack of motivation.

 I want to tell you about my birthday and that I saw New Moon twice at the theater.  That I got to go to lunch twice with my siblings.  And that my brother reinacted the entire New Moon movie in the parking lot of Chili's.  And that I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt.  (I can't remember the last time I laughed like that). That I got to see my best Friend Kieran, two days in a row.  Which never happens.  I want to tell you about my beautiful children snuggling the morning away with me in bed on the day I turned 33.  And that they gave me the first and second season of Gilmore Girls.  My husband shopped with me uncomplaining until I tried on what I wanted and found the perfect A-line denim skirt.  It hits right below the knee.  It is to die for.    I want to explain how fun it was to go to the DQ for dinner.  My children are obsessed and they were so excited and thrilled that that is where they were taking me that I was happy and just as excited.  I mean a twist dipped cone is one thing that always makes anyone happy.

I wanted to tell you all about how I got to eat lunch with my kindred spirit and best friend Carrie.  She brought me Cafe Rio and a Cinderella phone for her Goddaughter.  It is still a big hit.  How I got to snuggle and love her baby, Maggie.  Oh, that girl is so precious and beautiful.  My heart strings tugged at the perfectness of her.  How I got to be with her for an entire afternoon just talking.  Now that is bliss.  It was perfect being with her.

Thanksgiving thoughts have swirled and whirled and wanted to come out.  My niece Kristin and I made nametags for the table.  We had dinner with my Mom this year.  She only gets us every 4 years.

 She made the food of my childhood that smells and tastes of love and how Thanksgiving is remembered in the heart of my soul and my childhood.  She made my grandma's gravy and Amy made the perfect turkey.  We had homemade stuffing and amazing appetizers that I still dream about.  Lena brought Dixie salad.  The food was so good and so plentiful that my mouth is watering just remembering it. And sadly the leftovers are long gone. I wanted to tell you how Sofia stole the drumstick off of Kersten's plate and ate it with gusto.

 Thanksgiving dinner is one of my all time favorite dinners.  I wanted to tell you about doing the dishes in my mom's funny sink and loving and feeling such a connection to my mom, her mom and grandmother.  As we talked and cleaned up after the huge meal.  My heart was so full eating that food and being with my brothers and sister that I love so dearly.

I wanted to tell you about the  annual day after Thanksgiving event with Kersten's family.  How we ate delicious food in a suite at the Plaza and walked around bundled up in our warm coats to see the lights on Temple Square.  How magical it was to see it through Sofia's eyes as she yelled lights, water, trees and pointed every which way.  How the beauty of the Temple inspired me to be better and happier and teach my children more.  How each baby Jesus in all the different Nativities made my children coo with happiness.

I wanted to express how frustrating it is to have sick children and be sick yourself.  My ears ready to explode and how your heart aches when you five year old who does not know how to fake yet,  says mom I am not feeling well. I don't want to get the other kids sick.

I wanted to tell you about my helpers putting up the Christmas decorations.  How Sofia walked around with a string of lights yelling "helper" at the top of her lungs. That Noah became a Christmas Tree all covered in lights.

And  How our Star Wars ornaments were the first on the tree and the twinkle lights hold so much magic in our front room.  And Noah had to take lots and lots of fuzzy pictures. How telling my children the story of the birth of our Savior was joyous this year since my son was listening and attentive to the entire story.  .

I really have wanted to tell you all these things.  But really have had a hard time getting up and just doing it.  So for now this will have to do.  I, at least told you a little bit.


fufglmhgjgfkihgohgihghguibohhkihtupoynoyj ku9opkyuuy[y0u0uyu0-9[p0-ulg67iiiii76gk6l65iweeep0rerti4hk.lo9;ytpy;;;p5;pfv[gv;g;f6r;gyty;/[yt;p1wd;]ew[p[
0[;[;ecs'/;e'c;rec[;rrd'f;;;;;;;;fjftgdgufyuyyyyyyyurfdjgyrtguytiykyyhf8ut7ytuyutyupu7tr876k7hyykjh       bbbgbbgb nbn nnn  And this last part is Noah typing and telling you all about it too....

Hulu Find

Have you heard of the wonderful invention of Hulu?   I was making Christmas tags last night a bit bored and not knowing what to listen to or watch.  I hit Hulu and watch one episode of Glee.  I like the music cause I am a musical type of gal but it really wasn't keeping my interest.  I hit most popular searches to get ideas and on page 3,  do you know what I found?  You will never guess

Yes I found Doogie Howser MD

My favorite show in Jr High.  I loved it so much.  That the boy that I liked at the time, gave me a poster of Doogie Howser for Christmas my seventh grade year.  It hung in my walk in closet until I moved out and got married.  I loved this show.  I sadly remember very few specifics of the show.  Except Vinnie was his best friend and Wanda his girlfriend.  So I started at the beginning of Season 1 and went through 4 episodes and was done with the tags.
Oh, I am a bit giddy.  My sweet, poor husband had to listen to me lament and go by a play by play of each episode until late into the night.  He laughed at me and teased me a lot about Neil Patrick Harris.  Who now does not hold the same appeal for me.  Oh, but the memories of watching and dreaming about this show when I was young.  I did love Neil in the smash hit comedy "Under Cover Brother."  That show makes me laugh out loud a lot.
Happy day while I dream of Doogie.
Lucky me I have 4 whole seasons to get through.  So so happy.

Forty

I saw this on Natalie's blog forever ago and it has been saved in my drafts for quite a while. I am a sucker for things like this I thought I would do it

my uncle once: ran over a Captain Kirk doll in mint condition with the lawn mower without ever knowing it.
never in my life:  Have I been out of the country.  But that will change someday
when i was five:  I thought that I would be a ballerina when I grew up.
high school was: life altering.... I met one of my truest dearest friends there and I also met the love of my life so I would say it was great overall.
i will never forget: holding my babies for the first time.
i once met: the prophet a couple of times actually.  The first time he came to my piano recital when I was 11,  he patted my head and told me I did a great job.  His granddaughter took from the same lady
there's this girl i know who:  can talk to your hair and know what it wants to do.  You will look fabulous.
once, at a bar: I ate lunch with all my coworkers and I was pregnant but did not know it yet.
by noon, i've usually: played with my kids for an hour, fed them two meals and am off to kindergarten
last night: I watched last week's Grey's Anatomy and talked with my cousin for a bit.
if only i had: more energy.  I could be wonder woman and do it all
next time i go to church: we will have stake conference.  The prophet is presiding, it is being broadcast via satelite to our stake center.  I am really excited.
i've changed my song and dance regarding: screaming children in the grocery store.  You do not get it, till you have them.
what worries me most: is whether I will prepare my kids well enough for what lies ahead of them.
when i turn my head left, i see: a autographed poster of The Living End
when i turn my head right, i see: my creative cabinet
you know i'm lying when:  I say I have it all together.
something I NEED to accomplish today:  emailing Noah's teacher about Halloween party
if i were a character in Shakespeare, i'd be: Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing
by this time next year: ! Noah will be in school all day.. (sniff, sniff) and hopefully Kerst will be done.
a better name for me would be: I love my name.... when I read that my thoughts turned to the name Cordelia just like Anne in Green Gables wanted to be called.  I just read that book again for the umpth time.
i have a hard time understanding: people who are judgmental and think they know it all
if i ever go back to school, i'll: get a masters in speech pathology.  It is quite fasinating.  I thank Noah for awakening this new found passion and spout of knowledge.
you know i like you if: I call you back in less than a week.
if i ever won an award, the first person i'd thank would be: Kersten
i'm disappointed in: honestly I cannot think of anything right now
take my advice. never: drink orange juice after you have brushed your teeth. If you don't already know.
my ideal breakfast is: warm french toast with fresh strawberries, bacon,  a scrambled egg with syrup, chocolae milk and cran raspberry juice that came from my grandma's house.
a song i love:  Fireflies by Owl City
if you visit my hometown, i suggest: lunch at Crown Burger, dinner at Cafe Rio, shopping at the Park City outlet, a a short hike up the canyons,
something i would love but cannot rationalize the expense is: a trip to Europe or a cruise to Alaska..
why won't people: be kind,  merging is not that difficult people
if you spend the night at my house: Kersten will be a gracious host and feed you and the conversation will be quite stimulating.
i'm looking forward to: Noah's classroom halloween party
i'm proud of: my son for working so hard and continuing to try and try.  And for being delightful through it all
the more i think about it:
my favorite famous blond is: my niece Kristin.  We have always been tight since the day she was born.  Love her
Oh they said famous,  I really like Scarlet Johansen.
my next project is: finishing Noah's 4 yr old book, painting the file cabinet red on the next nice day and then christmas cards.
if i do anything well, it's: playing and reading to my kids every day.

Perspective

There have been grumblings.

Not just in my tummy but all around me,  in the air,  the trees, the clouds.  Grumbling of weather changes. the seasons and of life.  I don't like grumblings.  They wash over me until I am left breathless on the ground. and I wish sometimes to see through the eyes of someone else, not for long, maybe a half hour at the longest.  Just to have a different perspective.  Or that someone could see through my heart and know they don't have it figured out.

Because really as the old saying goes,  you really don't know until you have walked in their shoes or feet or whatever it is suppose to be.

My feet are planted firmly on the ground walking along the sand, lapping up the water of my life and my existence.
By the very essence of being a physical, emotional and spiritual me there will be struggles.
Every moment stamped on my heart to call up later and remember.
I am doing all I can to be in the now with my children and my husband.
That is what really matters in the end.
I will be judged for how I loved, laughed, taught, cherished, and lived.
Not for what other perceive should be happening.
And that is how I know that I don't have to worry about it.

I Came to the Realization that.....

I NEED TO LIVE!!!

Okay, so that might seem quite obvious to many of you.  But for me it had quite a shocking impact.
See I thought I had been living.  I was living my life day to day doing what needed to be done.  Hugging, kissing and tickling my children whenever possible.  Trying to memorize their mannerisms and funny little quirks at this age.  Since they do change so fast.  Being especially diligent in looking at my husbands needs and trying to fullfill them to the best of my abilities.   I have consciously made an effort to be friendly and open with my new neighbors and talk to everyone I meet at church.  I dance almost every day,  I cry every other and I have hope and faith constantly, I felt like I was living.  My hope is by writing this down I will become more conscience and motivated to care for myself than I have been for way to long.  This thought came to me as I was making Chocolate Chip Cookies on Monday afternoon.  That first of all I need to start living in my neighborhood,  shopping here, going to the library and start searching out all the hot spots.  Since I go everyday to my old neighborhood for Noah's school,  I just do my fast errands over there.  I need to shop at the grocery accross the street and figure out the closest bank and post office.  I have been living in a sort of limbo for way to long and I need to be completely present.

In defense,  since that is one of my strongest emotions at the moment.  We have had an extreme amount of things going on but it is no excuse really.  I have started resenting even the phone since it is something demanding more of my attention and time.  I am terrible at calling people back lately.  The resentment goes also out to my body and it's demands.  Just thinking of that now is making me awfully tired.  I cannot seem to get my body stable.  It is all over the place which makes me easily irritable and not much fun to be around.  I know that I need to take care of myself physically every single day and it feels harder than ever before.  I feel as if I will live a bit longer but the quality of that life in my physical form is entirely up to me.  Self discipline has never been my strongest attribute.  This whole thing depresses me completely.  I just cannot stretch myself anymore than I have.  I have reached my snapping point and figuring out how to turn or bend it has proven quite difficult.  I need to LIVE, healthy, happy, content and in the present and I don't know how anymore.  But really people you don't have to worry to much give me a bit more time and I will figure it out.

 And yes my siblings this title was just for you

65 questions probably never been asked

1. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair and then I go down from there

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Just White but it fits perfectly

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Everyday and all the time

4. Do you plan outfits? For special events or if I know I have a big out of the house day I chose something I feel pretty in

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Okay, I am fighting off a migraine so I feel a bit fuzzy

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red? One of the fabric flowers I made for the benefit and Sofia's chapstick

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Last night I was on stage with Jayson Wolfe the character in the Anita Stansfield book I finished last night. It was totally awesome

8. Did you meet anybody new today? not yet it is still pretty early.


9. What are you craving right now? a cinnamon roll


10. Do you floss? not as much as I should, but Noah and I are becoming flossing buddies so that helps a bit


11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? coleslaw, my husband loves it.


12. Are you emotional? Yes, a bit more than I like to admit.


13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? to time consuming


14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it at first and then bite into it when I get to the cone


15. Do you like your hair? It really terribly badly needs a haircut and color. The "hair whisperer" has not been available lately


16. Do you like yourself? most of the time, my company is not bad.


17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? sure, why not. It might be interesting.


18. What are you listening to right now? the air conditioner and for my kids to make a noise. They are still asleep

19. Are your parents strict? my mom tried to be when we were really young and then they totally were lax


20. Would you go sky diving? definitely


21. Do you like cottage cheese? when I eat it with my Grandma it tastes very delicious, other times not so much


22. Have you ever met a celebrity? local celebrities and celebrities in LDS culture yes quite a lot of them actually but I KNOW I will meet James Taylor someday. I found a connection

23. Do you rent movies often? not much right now to much going on. But we do LOVE to watch movies


24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? Yes, sparkly paper and sparkly buttons on a fabric flower


25. How many countries have you visited? just America


26. Have you made a prank phone call? I went through a phase when I was about 9


27. Ever been on a train? yes


28. Brown or white eggs? I really like brown eggs, there is something so beautiful about them


29.Do you have a cell-phone? yes, my favorite pink one died a water death so I have my husbands old silver one now. It makes me a bit sad , the pink made me happy.

30. Do you use chap stick? Yes I do


31. Do you own a gun? Kersten has an old WWI german mouser that is pretty sweet


32. Can you use chop sticks? I look ridiculous even trying.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? My sweet husband and two beautiful kids. We were going up the canyons but now that is tomorrow night so I think we will do movie night. On our sexy new tv.


34. Are you too forgiving? Most times


35. Ever been in love? Everyday


36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? It is saturday so probably hanging out with their fam


37. Ever have cream puffs? My mother in law makes amazing cream puffs


38. Last time you cried? Yesterday because my head hurt so bad


39. What was the last question you asked? to my housban "So how is work today?"


40. Favorite time of the year? Fall


41. Do you have any tattoos? nope


42. Are you sarcastic? sometimes


43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? no


44. Ever walked into a wall? a bit to many times, I hate to admit


45. Favorite color? yellow, red and green


46. Have you ever slapped someone? tried to but it was a bit weak


47. Is your hair curly? Yes


48. What was the last CD you bought? Dave Matthews Band, Big Whisky and the Gru Grux King, (amazing, I am a bit obsessed)


49. Do looks matter? depends on what for


50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? trust issues and depends on the kind of cheating


51. Is your phone bill sky high? not to bad anymore


52. Do you like your life right now? love love love it


53. Do you sleep with the TV on? that would drive me to the brink of insanity


54. Can you handle the truth? Yes much better than a lie or exaggeration


55. Do you have good vision? ha ha


56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? nah


57. How often do you talk on the phone? more than I would like


58. The last person you held hands with? Sofia, she has the sweetest hands


59. What are you wearing? my favorite Eddie Bauer tan capris, my red shirt Lena gave me and a black shade


60.What is your favorite animal? penguin and giraffes. My kids are both Obsessed with "doggies" right now


61. Where was your default picture taken at? I took it off the internet so no ide


62. Can you hula hoop? used to be awesome at it. I need to try it again


63. Do you have a job? yes, a very hectic wonderful job of raising my kiddos


64. What was the most recent thing you bought? Kersten's 33 birthday surprises, it was fun

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes, to break into my parents house and my old house too.

Old and New

Old Glasses

So I got new glasses.  I am super excited about them.  Sofia has slowly been breaking them down.  One day about two weeks ago, she tore the right side arm right off of them while I was in the shower.  She knew she was in trouble.  My sister Em went with me to pick some new ones out.  I walked around for about a week and a half with my glasses perched on my nose.  They kept giving me headaches because they were crooked. Kersten says my new glasses look fun and funky more than the ordinary blah like before and fit my personality better. I was lucky enough to also get a pair of Sunglasses that are RayBans and the frame name is Jackie O.  So You can imagine what they look like.  So with no further blah  blah blah here is me with my new eyewear.  

New Glasses

I.....

i am... a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and not quite human but a dancer for sure
i think... about crafts, blogs, my children and my hot husband.
i know... that the Church is true (that is the first thing that came to mind)
i want... my own house,  a place to call home with my children
i have... so many blessings to be grateful for.
i dislike... being told what to do
i miss... running around in my underwear
i fear... failure,  it holds me back more than I would like
i feel... it is so important to let your children use their imaginations to find out who they are
i hear.... my Jedi knight son fighting bad guys upstairs.
i smell... white cheddar Cheez-it and Noah's hair (he is sitting on my lap)

i crave.... watermelon, little chickens and ice cream.
i cry... more than I use too but still not enough
i usually... tickle my children after any discipline. When we are through with it.
i search... for perfect mother moments and time with my husband
i wonder.... about the near future.
i regret... the consequences of my health.
i love...my life and my little family
i worry...too much.  I lay up at night worrying
i am not... as organized as I would like
i remember... random details
i believe... in miracles
i dance... frequently
i don't... like being in limbo
i write...not enough, and it never comes out like it did in my head
i win... on tuesdays

i struggle... with what to feed my children and thinking about food.
i lose... when I compete with my son.  He is really fast getting ready.
i wish... that people would actually hear what others say not just listen
i listen... to my children's laughter
i don't understand...why people hurt other people's feelings
i can usually be found...on the computer, reading a book or on the floor with my kids.
i am scared... that we won't make it
i need to lose.. the bad habit of playing with my hair
i forget...  the tiny details.
i am happy... when I am with my little family

50 Questions- Part 2

My keyboard broke because of a "water flashing"  incident and so I have not been able to type since last thursday so I have read blogs but could not comment on them.  We bought a keyboard last night.  It feels good to be able to type on the computer. 

26. Do you like someone? Oh, Yes
27. The last song you listened to? I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
28. What time of day were you born? 5:12 pm
29. What’s your favorite number? 21
30. Where did you live in 1987? Salt Lake City, UT
31. Are you jealous of anyone? honestly, Yes
32. Is anyone jealous of you? who wouldn't be...
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? When I heard about it I was in the elevator at the UofU admin building on my way to work.  Watched all day on tv and that night at home.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? shake it, pound with my fist
35. Do you consider yourself kind? I try to be
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? on my ankle and the small of my back
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? German for Kersten's familiy and Spanish - it would come in handy so much
38. Would you move for the person you loved? totally
39. Are you touchy feely? very much
40. What’s your life motto? Live it, experience it to the utmost and just do your best and above all Love
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? my diabetic pump, glasses and wedding ring.
42. What’s your favorite town/city?  I love Miami and Seattle
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? lunch yesterday
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Noah's b-day invites and a thank you card to my aunt.
45. Can you change the oil on a car? Unfortunately NO
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? that he had daughter  named after a hotel and that his wife worked at a daycare and he was working as a security guard,  this was about 6 yrs ago
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? pretty far thanks to my mom and uncles
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? I went to the New Hope Ball in January 09, our financial advisor invited us.  I wore a gorgeous black skirt with flounces on the bottom that came to my knees with a sparkly black top with a red sash around my waist.  It was fun
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? my shoulders and back and I have a headache that keeps turning into a migraine.  It is stress.  
50. Have you been burned by love? Ummm. . . yeah.

50 questions. Part 1

I saw this on Carrie's and Emily's blog and thought. OOOoo. I love filling out these things and I know I really should be packing . I need a break.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Wow, Ralph the night hair dresser really worked hard last night.
2. How much cash do you have on you?  $37

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? bore
4. Favorite planet? Saturn, I love the rings
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Ten Work Cell (Kersten's work cell)
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Mika
7. What shirt are you wearing? peasant v neck light blue shirt
8. Do you label yourself? totally
9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?  I am barefoot
10. Bright or Dark Room? the more light the better
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?  Well my BFF and her other BFF who I totally want to meet 
12. What does your watch look like? it is my Twilight watch my hubby gave me
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading.  I got into bed at 11:50
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? I don't have text
15. Where is your nearest 7-11? around the corner and up the street
16. What's a word that you say a lot?  You know what I mean (I must need a lot of validation lately)
17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My sweet housban Kersten
18. Last furry thing you touched? Sofia's pink fur coat I packed
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Insulin all day every day and Ibuprofen and Motrin
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? we use digital now and I have tons to print, I like hard copies
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 21 and 31
22. Your worst enemy? myself
23. What is your current desktop picture? my cute kids about a year ago
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I am going to go tape boxes downstairs.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? I would want to fly,  then I could sell tickets to everyone to see the marvel of me flying to make a million dollars.  And I could travel like I have dreamed off.  It is a win win situation.