Happy Donut Day 2012

21 years, 21 years, 21 years, and 21 years.  Wow, it has been 21 years since my Dad (in full beaver makeup) and I stopped at a donut shop on our way to the eye doctor.  I have such disjointed memories of that day.  There are some that are so so close and vivid that if I reached my hand out just enough I could feel them through my fingers.  And others are so fuzzy, confusing and fearful that I want to push them so far away that I won't have to see them anymore.

21 has been an important and lucky number for me my entire life.  I was born on the 21st,  I got married on the 21st and I got married when I was 21.  So I have a feeling this 21st year is going to be pretty amazing.  This number has brought me so much joy, understanding and peace in the past.  I strive to make it work for me again.

I have a wish that I could be one of those people that embrace their challenges head on with enthusiam and vigor.  I still have not figured out how to embrace or even handle all daily struggles you  have with a chronic illness.  Doing the same things over and over has said to be a sign of insanity.  Doing the things I HAVE to for survival and a healthy body, seem to drive me to a crazy place.  

My whole life seems to be in waves.  A long rolling, stretch of a roller coaster, sending me up to the highest highs and the thrill seeking falls.  In every aspect, I guess the challenge is to learn to do the things that speed you to the funny farm and enjoy the thrilling ride along the way.  

Two Decades of Donuts

I have recollections of teenagers saying "yeah,  I got it when I was 7 or 5 or 18 months."  And thinking "Wow" they don't even remember what it is like not to think about this horrid disease all the time.  Today it is 20 years ago that I discovered that I have Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes.

That first week of diabetic camp was lifechanging.  I had only had this disease for a couple months and kids had been dealing with it for years.  I was so exhausted of not fitting in and being abandoned by my friends, that I thought finally I would find a place I fit.  And I did meet amazing, crazy, fun and inspiring people.  My first kiss was with a boy I met there.  One of the reasons my son's name is Noah is because of one of the campers. I LOVED being there,  I volunteered being a counselor, dishwasher and numerous other things.  Just for the opportunity to be up there, where I felt good and surrounded.  Sadly, though I never felt that this was my belonging place.  I still felt different,  more like a square trying to fit into a circle.  Oh,  how I loved these people.  Sadly after high school,  Life changed.  I went to college, got a job and married my sweetheart.  So Camp became a thing of the past.  And every summer I would think about it, with a tug in my heart to go back.  I lost contact with all that I loved and moved forward. Thinking that they did not miss me. 

It has just been in the past year or so that I have keenly felt the loss.  Delving deep inside myself to reconcile all that I am and have to do.  I feel like my fourteen year old self when I talk about my disease.  I realized that I STILL don't want to be diffrent.  I have always Hated food, thinking about it, eating it etc.  Then having a disease that forced me to think about it all the time, makes me especially angry.  I am better,  It really has been good for me to deal with how I feel about it emotionally.  Not just the things I am forced to do to live and live well.

Facebook has been good, for I have reconnected with a lot of people from camp.  I need these people and people that are good friends that I can talk to about the day to day dealings with this demon.   So many of them have done such amazing feats.  One of them just got a kidney and pancreas transplant, another is on the list for one, some are doing so amazing it is seems like it does not faze them,  another in the past year change his whole life and started a foundation called The Truth about Diabetes-  Disease or Destiny and all of them are a tight knit as ever.  And I am still fourteen.

I want to be healthier,   I want to find the blessings in this.  I want to think of this as Destiny instead of a Disease.  I am just not there yet.   I had planned on throwing a huge party today to commerate this event,  but life changed that.  We have a birthday and a wedding coming up.  So very much to do.  Instead of a totally hip fabulous party,  I am going to lunch with my friend.  The kids and I are going to get donuts. (I ate a donut in the car on the way to the doctor's office.)  and I am going to my YW presidency meeting tonight.  I need to recognize and remember today.  If nothing else, my experiences have shaped my character and made me the woman, mother and friend I am today.  And overall I really do like being me.

Memorial Day Weekend 2010

Well,  the weekend did not turn out as I planned.  Which is not saying much since we did not have any really specific plans to speak of.  We wanted to spend time together, work on the yard and the playset for the kids, Noah's report on Bluebirds is due tomorrow and I wanted to paint the wood alcove in the bathroom.  Anything, that was on my list got scrapped on Saturday afternoon, when my stomach lost all it's contents.  I babied myself the rest of the night, watching Avatar with my family and then going to bed early.   And by dawn I knew,  my body, said no more.  You are going to be in pain as if acid were running through your veins.  One very wonderful trait of my husband is that he is amazing in a crisis.  It is his time to shine and he always pulls through in more ways than I can count.  I am grateful everyday for this attribute of my husband.  My first thought and request when my family woke up Sunday morning was to have a blessing to get me well much faster and to also stay out of the hospital.  I have great faith in blessings from my Heavenly Father.  I have seen them work miracles in my life time and again.  My husband arranged everything and stayed close, just in case.  This can go downhill fast. I laid in bed writhing and wiggling to get comfortable and finally I received a blessing which immediately calmed my spirit.  I needed to listen to my body and I knew that I was loved. My body said to sleep.  So I slept and slept for 5 hours.  I woke up and ate jello and sprite.  Read Sookie Stackhouse and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling more myself.  And as I knew would happen a miracle.  I stayed out of the hospital and I could manage from here.  My daughter snuggled with me all morning, kissing my face, rubbing my hair and saying over and over "I love you, too"  even if I had not said it and "Mommy, I missed you."   We played dancing Cinderella guys in bed and hung out with me all morning while my husband mowed the lawn.  I took a shower and collasped in exhaustion after lunch and slept the afternoon away.  I awoke to hammers and drills working on the playset just like we planned and happy children.

I went outdoors for dinner as I was feeling quite ornry.  (A sure sign of continuing to get better).  I really needed a change of scenery.  We had a wonderful BBQ at my in-laws.  I mostly ate watermelon and laughed as we watched the kids play soccer with Uncle Isaac.  And Fia yelling over and over  "Look, I pay soccer"  and Noah was yelling "Pause" at the top of his lungs cause he was the 'wEf"  or the Ref and we had to explain that he is suppose to yell "Time out" if he wants a pause in the game.  It was hilarious.

It really is an interesting fact.  Last Memorial Day I had pneumonia  and did not leave my bed for a week..  It's a good thing that we were living with my sister at the time or my kids would have been very neglected.  Kersten and I have been teasing that this is our new Memorial Day tradition.  I hope not.  I want to do much more fun things on our long weekends.    I did not mean to make this blog a venting forum but it sure feels good to get this out.  Now I must go to sleep if I will keep getting better.  Since Noah and I still have a report to finish before school tomorrow. Yes, that is me,  I am already teaching my son to procrastinate to the last minute.

Donuts

Donuts

or Doughnuts

However you want to spell or say them is fine.

This was the very last thing I ate right before I found out I had,

Diabetes.

It is a bit ironic the the word Die is the beginning of this word.  

My sister Amy, in her 7 year old innocence thought that I was really dying.  

Ironically, if I had lived in any other century or decades sooner I probably would have.  

And I was a punk 14 year old teenager, angry at the world.

I was not very nice to her to say the least.

I think she has forgiven me by now,  at least I hope.

Oh,  well back to the Donuts.

My dad, brother and I were in a play "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe".

We had an afternoon performance and then an evening.

In between we went to visit the eye doctor,  my appt was at 4:45.

My dad had Beaver make up all over his face.

We had had NO lunch.  

So we stopped at a donut shop and bought each of us one.

It was a raised chocolate with sprinkles.

Quite delicious.

Moments later..........

Do you have Diabetes?

a very tentative "no" from a girl feeling quite small.

No explanations and hours later. 

The shock stayed there.

And the shock is still here and it is 19 years later on this very day.

Happy Anniversary Laurie Lou

Cheers......  Let's celebrate with another Donut.... 

They Do make you a bit Nuts........

Side note:  6 years ago today,  I was induced to birth my boy.  That was a very happy day of anticipation and joy. His birthday is not until Wednesday though.  He was born on a Wednesday so that is happy too.

Hangover

I woke up this morning with a major hangover.
Or what I imagine a hangover must feel like.
I never have had a real one.
But I had a friend back at diabetic camp tell me that going low
as in (low blood sugar) is a lot like getting drunk
as is going high as in (high blood sugar) is a lot like getting high.
The loss of control of your emotions and some of your faculties.
My head is pounding and my limbs are loose and my head is in a fog.
I just want to go back to sleep.
Luckily I have a girl who is snuggling and making out with my face
and then a boy that keeps fainting because his girls look so pretty today.
I drank my first jolt of caffeine, my beloved Diet Coke.
And took a very hot shower and realized why lots of people do that to feel better.
Shower time is thinking time.  One of the rare times I am by myself.
Even if a little girl is knocking on the door trying to get in.

I don't drink but in this case I wished that the hangover was because of that
Instead of my reality,
Sometimes living with this disease is just a bit
overwhelming, defeating, frustrating and scary.
I don't define myself by my disease,  but it seems to creep up everywhere.
It creeps into what I eat,  it is such a divine part of it.
It creeps into my fun, my work, my showers, my time
and it creeps and tries to destroy my relationships.
It seems to be a theme with the people I love most.
A wise professional once told me that have a chronic disease
give people a lot of power.
Even if that power is making the people that you love, feel powerless.
Powerless to help, to feel or to live for you.
I have a very powerful promise from my Heavenly Father.
My bishop gave me a blessing when I got my new calling.
And in it I was promised that my children would be cared for when I was having a bad day.
I have seen that promised fulfilled 3 times now and more in little ways
since that blessing a month and a half ago.
How comforting this has been.

I know this is part of my life.
And will be until the day I depart from this earth.
I hate, (a very strong word)  how it infects me and the people I love.
I need to learn how to incorporate it instead of fight against it.

I Came to the Realization that.....

I NEED TO LIVE!!!

Okay, so that might seem quite obvious to many of you.  But for me it had quite a shocking impact.
See I thought I had been living.  I was living my life day to day doing what needed to be done.  Hugging, kissing and tickling my children whenever possible.  Trying to memorize their mannerisms and funny little quirks at this age.  Since they do change so fast.  Being especially diligent in looking at my husbands needs and trying to fullfill them to the best of my abilities.   I have consciously made an effort to be friendly and open with my new neighbors and talk to everyone I meet at church.  I dance almost every day,  I cry every other and I have hope and faith constantly, I felt like I was living.  My hope is by writing this down I will become more conscience and motivated to care for myself than I have been for way to long.  This thought came to me as I was making Chocolate Chip Cookies on Monday afternoon.  That first of all I need to start living in my neighborhood,  shopping here, going to the library and start searching out all the hot spots.  Since I go everyday to my old neighborhood for Noah's school,  I just do my fast errands over there.  I need to shop at the grocery accross the street and figure out the closest bank and post office.  I have been living in a sort of limbo for way to long and I need to be completely present.

In defense,  since that is one of my strongest emotions at the moment.  We have had an extreme amount of things going on but it is no excuse really.  I have started resenting even the phone since it is something demanding more of my attention and time.  I am terrible at calling people back lately.  The resentment goes also out to my body and it's demands.  Just thinking of that now is making me awfully tired.  I cannot seem to get my body stable.  It is all over the place which makes me easily irritable and not much fun to be around.  I know that I need to take care of myself physically every single day and it feels harder than ever before.  I feel as if I will live a bit longer but the quality of that life in my physical form is entirely up to me.  Self discipline has never been my strongest attribute.  This whole thing depresses me completely.  I just cannot stretch myself anymore than I have.  I have reached my snapping point and figuring out how to turn or bend it has proven quite difficult.  I need to LIVE, healthy, happy, content and in the present and I don't know how anymore.  But really people you don't have to worry to much give me a bit more time and I will figure it out.

 And yes my siblings this title was just for you

17 years, Oh, MY

Well, another year is here and another Anniversary of my life with this daRn disease. It has now been 17 years which seems so weird and unreal. One year while I was a diabetic camp, they had us draw a picture of what we think this disease looks like. I think I was 15. Anyway, I remember this guy drew a picture of a mountain and said that he looked at is as an obstacle that he needed to conquer and overcome. Even then I say, GAG to that. And still do. I should have a more positive outlook on it. Maybe say that it helps me eat healthier, makes me more aware of my body and my health and it gives me another reason to make sure I exercise. But, unfortunately I am not quite there yet with the positive ideas about this disease. Give me another 17 years and I will let you know.

One thing I do know now that I have always struggled with and pondered is that that my disease and other crazy health problems do not define me. I don't look at myself and self worth anymore in reference to my health and how well I am doing with the millions of things I should do everyday and don't. OR the other things I always do and shouldn't. I look at my two beautiful, perfect children and think, Wow, they are miracles. I did not ruin them forever or deform them in anyway. I can be healthy, happy, well and productive. I also look at the many blessings I have because I am who I am and the amazing, intelligent, inspiring people I have met in my lifetime. Lucky Me.

Well, I definitely need to celebrate somehow. This is and was a pivotal day in my life. Another reason to celebrate today, would be that I was induced today when Noah was born. I know his birthday is on Monday. Let's not go there. So we are off to go get donuts.