31 weeks

Today I am 31 weeks along in my pregnancy. My, how the time flies. I know pregnancy is 40 weeks long, but my doc's won't let me go over 39. So I really have only 6 to 7 weeks left. And all those weeks have big fun happy holidays, birthdays, crazy celebrations and doctor visits and more doc visits. In other words really, really busy. This seems to be going so much faster than it ever did with Noah. I feel it is the combination of being a bit more busy and everything is not so new, dramatic and life altering. Not to say that a new baby is not life altering or a beautiful miracle every single time. I am just saying that this time I have a better idea of what is to come. Therefore, I am a bit calmer about the changes in me and my body and more aware of how it will change my everyday life once this sweet one comes.

I have talked about a lot of my irrational crazy fears and worries with this baby and I really feel that most of them are a product of raging hormones and fatique. It is much easier to worry about changing a little girl diaper than any of the big and more important things. I sometimes want to strangle doctors, diabetic educators and other people that don't have to live like I do. The reason I want to strangle them is the unsolicited facts and horror stories they pound into your head. Basically saying if you don't do everything perfect, your baby will be ruined, maimed, altered or sick for it's entire life. At the beginning of this pregnancy I had my diabetic endocrogist look at me with horror at some of my blood sugars. His voice was so demeaning and horrific as if I had caused the ultimate sin and would be sent to Hades for the rest of my existence. I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time and just found out I was in the family way. I chose after that to have some of my other very well educated and trained doctors help and do the testing needed for this pregnancy. That is also one less doctor visit every 6 weeks. So I have decided that I would rather worry about my sleep deprivation than deforming my child. All I can do is what is humanly possible for me. And so I will. I have actually been incredibly blessed with my pregnancies. I talk to other diabetic mothers and hear how their kidneys stopped working or all sorts of things and I count my blessings and thank my Heavenly Father for helping me through this and giving me the blessing of my babies.

I have decided to embrace my silly, crazy, irrational fears to replace the real ones. And fret that my bra size is now what is was when I was nursing Noah, Yes, people you read that right, when I was nursing him. So that means they will still probably get even larger. So I can fret that I will look like a freakish woman with large ample bosoms and big baggy circles under my eyes. That has a darling little boy and a little girl that has lopsided bows and just keep laughing at myself and my imperfections so that I don't go totally and completely crazy. Just stay the little bit of crazy that I already am.