I Came to the Realization that.....

I NEED TO LIVE!!!

Okay, so that might seem quite obvious to many of you.  But for me it had quite a shocking impact.
See I thought I had been living.  I was living my life day to day doing what needed to be done.  Hugging, kissing and tickling my children whenever possible.  Trying to memorize their mannerisms and funny little quirks at this age.  Since they do change so fast.  Being especially diligent in looking at my husbands needs and trying to fullfill them to the best of my abilities.   I have consciously made an effort to be friendly and open with my new neighbors and talk to everyone I meet at church.  I dance almost every day,  I cry every other and I have hope and faith constantly, I felt like I was living.  My hope is by writing this down I will become more conscience and motivated to care for myself than I have been for way to long.  This thought came to me as I was making Chocolate Chip Cookies on Monday afternoon.  That first of all I need to start living in my neighborhood,  shopping here, going to the library and start searching out all the hot spots.  Since I go everyday to my old neighborhood for Noah's school,  I just do my fast errands over there.  I need to shop at the grocery accross the street and figure out the closest bank and post office.  I have been living in a sort of limbo for way to long and I need to be completely present.

In defense,  since that is one of my strongest emotions at the moment.  We have had an extreme amount of things going on but it is no excuse really.  I have started resenting even the phone since it is something demanding more of my attention and time.  I am terrible at calling people back lately.  The resentment goes also out to my body and it's demands.  Just thinking of that now is making me awfully tired.  I cannot seem to get my body stable.  It is all over the place which makes me easily irritable and not much fun to be around.  I know that I need to take care of myself physically every single day and it feels harder than ever before.  I feel as if I will live a bit longer but the quality of that life in my physical form is entirely up to me.  Self discipline has never been my strongest attribute.  This whole thing depresses me completely.  I just cannot stretch myself anymore than I have.  I have reached my snapping point and figuring out how to turn or bend it has proven quite difficult.  I need to LIVE, healthy, happy, content and in the present and I don't know how anymore.  But really people you don't have to worry to much give me a bit more time and I will figure it out.

 And yes my siblings this title was just for you