That first week of diabetic camp was lifechanging. I had only had this disease for a couple months and kids had been dealing with it for years. I was so exhausted of not fitting in and being abandoned by my friends, that I thought finally I would find a place I fit. And I did meet amazing, crazy, fun and inspiring people. My first kiss was with a boy I met there. One of the reasons my son's name is Noah is because of one of the campers. I LOVED being there, I volunteered being a counselor, dishwasher and numerous other things. Just for the opportunity to be up there, where I felt good and surrounded. Sadly, though I never felt that this was my belonging place. I still felt different, more like a square trying to fit into a circle. Oh, how I loved these people. Sadly after high school, Life changed. I went to college, got a job and married my sweetheart. So Camp became a thing of the past. And every summer I would think about it, with a tug in my heart to go back. I lost contact with all that I loved and moved forward. Thinking that they did not miss me.
It has just been in the past year or so that I have keenly felt the loss. Delving deep inside myself to reconcile all that I am and have to do. I feel like my fourteen year old self when I talk about my disease. I realized that I STILL don't want to be diffrent. I have always Hated food, thinking about it, eating it etc. Then having a disease that forced me to think about it all the time, makes me especially angry. I am better, It really has been good for me to deal with how I feel about it emotionally. Not just the things I am forced to do to live and live well.
Facebook has been good, for I have reconnected with a lot of people from camp. I need these people and people that are good friends that I can talk to about the day to day dealings with this demon. So many of them have done such amazing feats. One of them just got a kidney and pancreas transplant, another is on the list for one, some are doing so amazing it is seems like it does not faze them, another in the past year change his whole life and started a foundation called The Truth about Diabetes- Disease or Destiny and all of them are a tight knit as ever. And I am still fourteen.
I want to be healthier, I want to find the blessings in this. I want to think of this as Destiny instead of a Disease. I am just not there yet. I had planned on throwing a huge party today to commerate this event, but life changed that. We have a birthday and a wedding coming up. So very much to do. Instead of a totally hip fabulous party, I am going to lunch with my friend. The kids and I are going to get donuts. (I ate a donut in the car on the way to the doctor's office.) and I am going to my YW presidency meeting tonight. I need to recognize and remember today. If nothing else, my experiences have shaped my character and made me the woman, mother and friend I am today. And overall I really do like being me.
